The Blues

Well the time has finally come for my daughter to start Kindergarten.  I know it doesn't seem like a big deal, but to me it is a symbol of her growing independence (yes i DO see a symbol in almost everything).  It also marks the first of her school years, which we all know fly by before our eyes.  It is funny what events seem to trigger these thoughts.  I signed her up for school.  I bought her school supplies.  I even took her to meet her teacher last night at a little orientation.  But the thing that set me off today was simple:  Her last day of preschool.  Sure she'll be going to the same daycare for after school care, but today was the day they had their going away celebration.  I was not able to attend the celebration, but it wasn't the celebration itself that did it to me.  No, it was about 45 minutes ago that my daughter did something that got me.  We were standing outside, looking at some flowers when she goes to her daddy's car telling me she has something to show me.  She opens the door and goes inside and pops back out a couple of seconds later.  In her hands is the "About Me" poster that has hung in her various rooms at daycare since she was about 2 years old.  On it are pictures of her with me, with her cousins, with her dad and just her all by herself.  I am looking at those pictures, never to be hung on the daycare wall again, and realize also that she'll never be that age again.  I know that kids grow up, people get older, people die, but knowing that and sometimes being actually aware of it are two different things. 

I am sure that her years in school will be good for her.  I also know that it will be nice to one day not have to be so tied down as you are when you are the parent of small children, but nonetheless, it is hard to watch them, right before your eyes in what seems like the blink of an eye, grow up and start becoming their own person.  I am sure I'll go through it all again when my son grows up, but I guess that's just part of being a mother.  You have the bittersweet experience of watching the baby you held in your arms, tiny and helpless, grow into an independent adult.  All we can hope is that we've given them the tools and the skills to make their lives into what they want them to be and the rest is up to them. 

Here's to all the moms out there who see their child moving on to this next phase of life and feel a little helpless.  We are somewhat helpless in the game of life, but it is still what we make it and our children are a product of our experiences and their own. 

Update

Well my brother got lucky.  It turns out the heart attack left only minor damage on his heart.  He did have an artery that was 100% clogged.  They put a stent in it and told him that he can fly home on Thursday.  He is then immediately to go see a heart doctor.  Hopefully the stent will be all that is necessary.  We were worried about the flight; however, he assures us that they have him on blood thinners to prevent clots.  I spoke to him today on the phone and he says he feels good.  I told him that he needs to lessen the stress in his life and take his meds.  He sounded good, but we will all feel better when he is back home in Texas and done with that 12 hour flight.  Also, when he is back in Texas if anything goes wrong we are better able to respond than with him being in Hawaii.  There is some international travel for his job, so fortunately he wasn't out of the country when this happened. 

I realize that this was a wake up call for him and definitely a close call incident.  I usually try to find meaning in almost everything and/or a lesson.  There are many things to take from this, but I will say this:  If you love someone, you need to tell them and make sure they know.  You never know when something like this is going to happen to you.  There aren't always warning signs and there isn't always time for last words.  I know this is somewhat of a theme in my writing, but I believe in it very strongly.  Events in my life continue to reaffirm this belief. 

There are people who read my blog who I know and some that I don't know.  To those of you readers that I know and love, I want you to know that I love you and I hope you know that I love you and will always love you no matter what is done or said between us.  For those readers who I don't know, make sure you tell the people you love how you feel.  Don't wait for something bad to happen.  Don't wait until it is too late.  If there is someone you love who doesn't know (or if you aren't sure they know) that you love them, there is no time like the present.  Get up and call them, or go to them right now and let them know. 

Perspective

I learned today that my brother, who is only 34 years old, has had a heart attack.  He and my niece and his new wife and her family were in Hawaii on vacation when he started having numbness and tingling in his arms while swimming.  It continued to progress at which time his wife took him to the emergency room.  He was in fact having a heart attack.  My niece is there with none of her family.  She doesn't really know the new wife and her family very well.  My brother is having very invasive surgical type testing done and so we don't know his prognosis at this time or what their course of treatment will be.  He is stable, which is the good news, and the ultrasound shows minimal damage as far as they can tell, but they don't really know anything yet.  All of the tests they are having to do are invasive and always risky.  Not only that, but he is in Hawaii, so we are all very concerned about what will happen when he is released (whenever that may be) as far as air travel.  We are really hoping they will air lift him to California or something with medical teams on board and then whenever it is safe for him to travel, the flight back to Texas would be much shorter, thus decreasing the risk of blood clots (generally it isn't good to spend time inactive in the hospital and then spend however many hours inactive on a plane).  My 13 year old niece is completely freaked out and there is nothing I can do for her other than talk to her.

I hadn't spoken to my brother in a few months after a dispute (family dispute over something silly of course that seemed like a big deal to him, but to the rest of us didn't seem worth the fight).  This is one of those times where I feel like a hypocrite because I always say how important it is to make sure that the people you love know you love them before it is too late and now here I am, my brother having a close call, and I hadn't spoken to him in a few months.

I have nothing else that I can do or say at this moment.  This has not been a good year.

Thinking...

Thinking on the same lines as yesterday of disconnecting and reconnecting....I got to thinking about loss and what we would do differently if we knew that the last time with someone was the last time. I wrote this poem as I thought about it.

I know we can't dwell on loss and what the future brings, but we do have to consider it in everyday life to some degree. We can't know when the last time we will see a person will be, or the last time we will do a particular activity, or even the last time we will take a breath will be. The only thing we can know for certain is that we are alive now and what our feelings are now. We have to strive to live our lives and be satisfied and have no regrets. Regret is the one thing often unable to be remedied.

Tonight

Tonight was good.  I feel very good to have reconnected with my friend.  We were like sisters, which probably explains the fighting like sisters.  I think we will be fine.  We both realize our mistakes and are willing to move past them and be there for each other.  I'm very optimistic about it.

I am; however, not feeling like myself.  I can't shake it.  I wish I knew what to do to get myself back.

Reconnecting - An Update in the Life of Jennifer

We all know in life people come and people go.  Recently I've experienced both, actually just within this week. 

I had a friend contact me, to whom I had not spoken in several months.  We had a terrible fight and now are trying to make amends.  It is nice for someone you love to come back into your life and try to work out differences.  Tonight we are going to have dinner and talk.


I won't go into details about the loss of another friend, but needless to say I'm pretty upset about it.  It's hard when a person you care for leaves your life...


This evening will be a good night I hope.  Reconnecting...Disconnecting...it's all a part of learning and living. 

VRHH Chapter 2 And More

The entire 2nd chapter of VRHH has been posted on the Short Stories page, as well as more poetry on the poetry page and more commentary on the commentary page.